The people* have spoken and I must oblige by…

DADUHDAAAAH!!!

Updating!

Dude, did you know that having a full time job makes you…um, busy? And that I feel sad and pathetic for feeling this busy when I have ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATIONS ASIDE FROM MY JOB?! Can I even handle having kids? I’m really starting to wonder.

All pity parties aside, I thought it would be nice to share what’s been going on in my life lately, and since pictures have become such a huge part of my life, I have decided to include some recent ones as visual aides. Yay! Pictures are fun!

Picture #1: Psymon

This is my nephew, Psymon. You might remember him from this photo session, which, sadly enough is still on the front page even though I wrote about it in July. Sob. Anyway, in July this big boy was a tiny little 5-week old meeting his dad for the first time, but NOW…oh my. Now he is a very big 9-month old with a huge personality and the cutest little cheeks of all time. And when I say big, I mean in the 100% for height, weight, and head size. Haha, I’m sure my brother loves that. We set up this photo session last week, and I had so much fun with my happy little guy.

Picture #2: Psymon’s Brother

Oh, Blue. Where do I start? You chewed the buttons on my sweater, the antennae on my phone, the apple post-its I loved so much, and Mike’s favorite work hat. You pee on the floor every time you think there’s even a slight chance you might be in trouble. You poop in the basement five minutes after or five minutes before you’ve been outside. You are hands down one of the most maddening creatures I’ve ever had in my house, but I love you. I’ll admit it. You are a sweet little baby and I love you. Not enough to keep you for good, but you know…enough. I mean, as soon as your daddy comes home from Iraq, you are the first welcome home present he gets.

Picture #3: Magic Machine

Did you know if you put thread into this machine and feed fabric into it, that it will make fun things for you? Pillows! Quilts! Hemmed curtains! It’s magic, I tell you! Kristy (mother to the above mentioned Psymon and Blue) taught me how to use it because she is the best person in the world. THE WORLD!

Pictures #4 and #5: My Cheap Ass Art

Um, I like wrapping paper. And also, I am poor. And my living room was lacking goldfish. The other three are birds, which are actually very liberally represented in my living room, but can you really have too many birds? Well, yes, you can, but I think I’m capable of being the judge of how many birds are too many birds!

Picture #6: I At Least Sometimes Love My Students

One of my students accidentally called Mike my Beyonce instead of my fiancé and the name…well, it just seemed so right to me. So right that I kicked myself for not thinking of it first. The fridge has now become the official reminder that Mike, is indeed, my Beyonce.

Picture #7: Wedding Stuff

Kerri, you asked for it!

Our colors were totally determined by the lovely Schnozz’s dress, seeing as how she is the one and only bridesmaid and I didn’t really care what she wore. The dress is pink, and boy have I run with it. I started out by totally stealing a design from some super expensive stationary website and redesigning it myself. I then ordered 24 pink, blue, and green paper lanterns to decorate the reception site. And galvanized buckets for the pink centerpiece flowers on each table. There is also a possibility that Mike will end up wearing something pink by the end of the day. He is so resistant to it that I almost have to make him do it. Pink! It’s so nice and summery!

It’s funny, looking back on this post, how boring it all sounds compared to a lot of what I’ve written about. Mom drama, divorce, dysfunctional relationships, not knowing who my real father is, depression. Being unsettled sure gives you a lot to write about, but I think I much prefer things this way. Happiness has been so hard to get used to. I didn’t know how long it would stick around or if it was even real, but I’m in it now - totally immersed in it - and I couldn’t be more grateful.

* My imaginary fan club, of course! Also, you should be pretty proud of me for even remembering to add this footnote, because I do not have a brain cut out for remembering these things!

I hope everyone had a relaxing and wonderful holiday. Mine was really nice, just had to answer a lot of questions about the wedding.

The what?

The wedding.

Mike asked me to marry him on December 19th, and he couldn’t have taken me more by surprise. The ring is beautiful and I am so excited for the wedding, but really, the greatest part is that Mike wants to marry me. How cool is that? I mean, really, how cool is that?

I’m so pumped.

The holidays. I’m overwhelmed, you know? So many things to do, and make, and buy, and grade, and edit, and oh my goodness, it all makes my brain hurt just a little to think about all of the things I should be doing right now. Sometimes that happens to me at work. I’ll be sitting at my desk thinking about all of my unfinished business, and you know what happens? The oddest thing - I stop working altogether. I mean, I know everyone reaches that point when they just say, “Hey, self, let’s kick some ass and get this stuff taken care of,” but I am not at that point yet. I’m in shut down mode right now, and I just need to breathe…or blog, rather.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it will be like to start a family, if it ever comes to that point, and what kind of mother I’d like to be. And, of course, thinking about being a mother makes me think of my mother, and if you’ve been reading this site for any significant length of time, you probably know that my mom and I don’t have the smoothest of relationships. Still, for every time I was hurt or confused or driven insane by my mom, there is a positive, happy, bright time that I’d like to pass on to my children. I actually shared this story with my students, and now I’d like to share it with you, too.

My mom has always been a difficult person to get along with, because you never knew which version of her you were going to get. One day she could be light and breezy - making your favorite meal or cuddling with you on the couch, but the next day…well, it was anyone’s guess. She might yell at you for asking, “What’s for dinner?” or cry if you accidentally got marinara sauce on the couch. I never really knew how I was supposed to behave. None of us did.

However, for all of her craziness, one of my favorite parts of her was her imagination. She could turn a plain, old straw hat and some silk flowers into a beautiful decoration you’d never want to take off your wall. She could turn a twelve-year old’s birthday party from boring to unbelievable with some make up and a few old dresses. It was amazing, really. She was amazing.

My very best memories are of her giving me kisses goodnight when I was very young. She would tuck me in, and then she would give me a big kiss. One night she had lipstick on, and after she kissed me, I quickly raised my hand to wipe the lipstick away, but she stopped me. She whispered, “No, Sammy. Leave it there so you can dream in color.” She probably never knew it, but she gave me the best dreams that night. Flying dreams. Time travel dreams. Ice cream sundae dreams. Colorful dreams.

My mom doesn’t kiss me goodnight anymore. As I’ve grown older, my mom’s moods have become even more unpredictable than they were when I was little. She gets in trouble. She cries a lot. She has many regrets about her life. Sometimes I worry that I am too much like her - that I will come unhinged someday, too. So, I do what I can. I love my mom, and I try to be like her in all of the good ways I remember. And one day, when I am a mother, I will teach my daughter to dream in color, too.

She called me on Thanksgiving, and said, “I haven’t called you in a while because I think I’ve been afraid of rejection, but I need to tell you I’m sorry. I made so many mistakes.” And I told her it was OK. And you know what? It is. It really is. That doesn’t mean I’m going to suddenly have a relationship with her, and she knows that, but it does mean that I can forgive her. After all, I wouldn’t be who I am today if she had not been my mother.

I’ve worried for such a long time that I will not be a good mom, to the point where I’ve seriously thought about not having any at all, but I’m done with that. I know it’s something I want, and I’m going to do the best I can. I really do hope I can pass all of my mom’s good traits on to my kids. I think I owe her that much.

So, I had like five million blog posts to read today, and it seems like just about everyone I know is participating in NaBloPoMo. I’m not even going to bother linking it like everyone else did, because chances are you’ve already read a post that did! I thought I’d be funny and say that I was starting my own thing - NaNoBloPoMo (National No Blog Posting Month), but then I realized that I’ve already done that for several months, and it’s probably lost its novelty by now.

At any rate, I am here and functioning. Sometimes, barely, it seems. I have been taking so many pictures, and I would love to get a blog started just for sharing the stories behind them, because that seems to be what my life is mostly about right now. I am also a coach. A poms coach. Do you know what poms is? It’s dancing, that’s all. Except it’s so much more than that to me. To me, it is a life-sucking force that sometimes makes me want to cut off my ears with a rusty saw. Have you ever heard the song “Rich Girl” by Gwen Stefani? FIVE HUNDRED TIMES IN AN HOUR AND A HALF? The fact that I’m a coach for a dance team might lead you to believe that I must have some background in that area, but you would be oh so very wrong to think that. I am simply a warm body with a brain capable enough to push the play button. Really, the girls are awesome and I am happy to be coaching them, but it really does feel like it’s completely taking over my life. We have twelve home games! That’s a lot of dances to make up! And this is my first year as the head coach! Hello, shoes to fill! NO PRESSURE!

And then there is, of course, my ACTUAL job - teaching. Ha! Almost forgot that one! I don’t really know what to say about that. I love my kids, as always, but I’m having some personal issues at the moment that make me want to run away and never look back. But I love my kids, so I won’t. I like to think that they need me, even though I sincerely doubt they would notice the difference if I were suddenly replaced by a parrot…or an otter. How fun would that be?!

Anyway, I said all of that to simply say this: no NaBloPoMo for me, but I will be writing more. Scout’s honor.* And it just so happens that it is November, and you might think it is more than a little coincidental that I would choose to start up again now, and you’re right - it is coincidental. Though while I am inspired by all of the incredible writers around me who have decided to devote the next twentysomething days to blogging, that is not the reason for my return. My students are.

I teach language arts, but I only have an hour a day, and reading is what’s tested at the state level, so that’s what I’m supposed to concentrate on more than anything. And I love reading just about more than I love anything, but I know the value in writing. The imagination it unlocks, the feelings it helps you express, the stories it captures. I want my kids to experience that, so I decided to start a writing workshop in my class. Four weeks long, writing personal narratives everyday. The only stipulation was that I had to do the same thing, so I started my own writer’s notebook and have been writing in it everyday. And everyday for our minilesson, I read them a story from my notebook…and they love it. They listen, and they comment, and they remember, and it has made me so happy to share my life with them. It’s a completely different feeling in my classroom right now - a community - and it’s all because we’re sharing our lives with each other. I’ve told them about my mom kissing me goodnight, about how my bed is my favorite place in winter because it’s so warm, about walking to Subway with my best friend, about a special gift I got from a student, and I’ve heard about butterfly kisses, friend’s houses, how much they love their parents, broken bones, and blankies they carried when they were young.

My students are really incredible people, and I can’t wait to know even more about them. So many things have been happening in my life, and I’ve wanted to blog, but just felt so…blah. I guess I should have expected that writing more would make me want to write more, but it truly did take me by surprise, and I’m glad it did. It’s so good to be here.

Thinking about my own babies makes me very nervous. I don’t have any, and I don’t plan on having any soon…maybe someday, but not soon. However, thinking about OTHER people’s babies makes me very happy! I love having pregnant friends and being around pregnant people. Emotions about babies and baby-having are surfacing that I didn’t think I would ever have. As some of my long-term friends might tell you, I was very against having kids for a while. A long while, actually. And now, lo and behold, I am thinking about babies and how nice it would be if Mike and I had a baby someday. Funny.

Not that this helps keep me from thinking about babies:

Nope, doesn’t help at all. This is a picture from a recent maternity shoot Rachel and I did for a family of four-going-on-five. They were such a nice bunch to work with, and this little girl is a ball of raw energy if I’ve ever seen one. She was hilarious, sweet, talkative, and exhausted me after only being with her for about two hours. Further proof that I could probably never teach kindergarten. After the new baby is born, Rachel and I will be heading back out to take some pictures of their newly larger family. I can’t wait to see that baby girl!

And to add even MORE baby-ness to my life:

This is my brand new nephew, Psymon. He is the son of my youngest brother, Ray, who is currently serving an 18-month term in Iraq. Ray missed the birth of his little guy, but he was granted a two-week leave to visit. I feel so lucky for getting to spend as much time with them as I did, and so grateful that they let me take these pictures for them. Kristy (the beautiful young woman, and also his wife) and Ray were so loving and tender with their son. I’ve known for a long time that Ray was an adult…I mean, he is almost 23 years old, but this visit made everything so wonderfully clear. I’m so proud of the choices he’s made, and I love watching the positivity those choices have brought to his life.

I love my (not so) little brother!

Not that I need ANOTHER reason to think about babies, but tomorrow I will be having lunch with my friends Kristy (pregnant - being induced Saturday), and Molly (who just had a baby two weeks ago).  Is someone trying to tell me something?  I’ll be taking pictures of Molly’s little guy, so look for those soon!

I got a comment from “Summer” that I believe I am supposed to interpret as a nudge. Okay, I give. I’ll blog. Why does it take someone reminding me how bad I am at it for me to get back into it? Sheesh.

My summer is FLYING by. I can’t believe it’s July already. Hello? When did that happen?! I’ve been so busy, but I’ve been having a lot of fun. So far this summer, I’ve visited three major U.S. cities - St. Louis (to visit Schnozz, of course), Chicago (for The Taste of Chicago - AWESOME!) and Austin (to move my boyfriend Mike’s brother down there, sadly). And next week Mike and I are going to Denver where he’ll be meeting my family for the first time. Yikes! My dad’s been calling like crazy, which he usually doesn’t do so much right before I’m scheduled to be there. I think he’s excited to meet Mike because he keeps telling me all of these dorky pranks he wants to pull on him when we get there. Like telling Mike that he can’t sleep in the same room with me, or that we’ll be eating nothing but squirrel stew when we head up to the cabin in the Rockies. So nerdy. Or he could be calling excessively because I had an awful wreck the last time I drove from Colorado to Illinois. No ice this time, though! And then (to get back on track) I’ll (hopefully) be on my way to Honolulu in August, but that one’s still a little up in the air. Boy, that paragraph was just chock full of parentheses wasn’t it? I apologize for the choppiness!

I’ve also been taking quite a few pictures this summer, and I’d like to share some of them with you here. Actually, I’ve been thinking about making this more of a photo blog because I think it would help keep me more on track with my writing. Pictures always seem to have a story behind them, and I think those stories are fun to share.

First, there was J.R. His mom is one of my very good friends, and she recently bought him not one, but TWO new puppies. They are puggles - a combination of pug and beagle - and are two of the cutest dogs I have ever seen.

This is Hope:

And this is Harley:

I tried taking some pictures of J.R. with the puppies, but he’s a little nervous around them. I wanted to get more pictures of him on his own, so I babysat him for a weekend, and we had some fun at the park:

That last picture was one in a series of several silly face pictures we did. He’s really growing up to be quite a character. I like to think I play a large part in his goofiness. Of course, I like to think I play a large part in anyone’s goofiness, but that’s just because there’s so much of it to go around.

Hmm. That’s kind of a lot of pictures. I know by saying “First there was J.R.” I implied that there would be more sharing, but I think I’ll save the rest for separate posts. Posts that will be up SOON. I promise!

After I get my oil changed. And my brakes fixed. And my bills mailed. And more pictures edited. And my house cleaned.

But really, it will be soon. Scout’s honor!

EDITED TO ADD: I am such a spaz.  I just realized, in reading the rest of the comments from my last post, that I did not respond to a single one of them in this post like I meant to.  Doy.

The short and sweet of it is that I am starting a photography business with my good, GREAT friend, Rachel.  She is very funny and very talented and very PATIENT (an extremely important trait for anyone who works with me) and I feel very lucky to be working with her.  She is fantastic.  Like the kind of fantastic that makes her way too good to be working with me, but I digress.  We have had several jobs so far, and have several more lined up, and I can’t tell you how excited this makes me.  I never knew working for myself would feel so liberating, but there you have it.  Of course, I am still bound (by my silly heart and my ever present debt) to the teaching gig, but I would love to delve further into this career of capturing moments in people’s lives.  It is so fun to help them create these memories.

Kerri - I think we could work something out if you’re serious.   However, my heart will probably stay in tact if you tell me you’ve already got someone a little more local lined up!

Teej - A website is in the works!  I will definitely post here when it is up and running and then you can go ahead and do all my advertising for me by sending your friends and family my way.  Thanks in advance!

Matt - Four girls.  At once.  Don’t tease me, man, because the cuteness potential there almost gave me a heart attack.

Well, I think that covers it.  Thanks for the encouragement, guys.  It means the world to me to have support from such caring people.  You all are the best!

You need a list, don’t you? There is really no way to understand this unless I put it in list form, so here you go!

Reasons Why Sam Sucks at Blogging

• I am one very busy lady. I know, EVERYONE is busy, which is why it always amazes me that I seem to be the only one not capable of keeping up. I mean, I don’t even have kids, but I somehow have trouble managing my job and my…wait, that’s it. All I have is my job. Wow, I really am pathetic.
• I am easily distracted. I thought of that one just now when I stopped typing to remove some dirt from underneath my fingernails and stared blankly out the window for a few minutes. What is wrong with my brain?! That was a rhetorical question, by the way.
• I have a pretty active social life. So, it’s not just my job! Yay, I’m not a loser! I have dear Studly Mike, my boyfriend, who I spend a lot of time with. And his brother has been staying with us since he graduated from college, so we’ve been trying to hang out with him as much as possible before he moves to Austin, Texas in a couple weeks. And, happily, I’ve been spending more and more time with some friends I love to see, which is always awesome.
• The end of the school year sucks the life out of me. Seriously. I come home from work exhausted beyond reason every single day. Monday is report card day, but it still isn’t over. Between planning meetings, committee meetings, finishing up end-of-the-year type business, and cleaning up my room, I am going to be busy all of June. So, take note, kids - it’s not a three-month vacation. Not even close.
• I have been editing pictures like crazy lately…which, of course, means I’ve been taking pictures like crazy lately. My very good friend Rachel and I have been toying with the idea of starting a photography business together. We took pictures of two very sweet kids a couple weeks ago, and will be meeting with their parents this coming week to discuss packages, prints, and whatnot. I am EXTREMELY excited about this development, but I haven’t told many people about it, because…well, I’m not really sure why. Let’s deviate from the list for a moment to explore this, shall we?

I have big ideas and a lot of motivation to get things done, but I don’t actually have a whole lot of confidence in my abilities. For example, I wrote two kids books about five years ago - one, a story about a curious girl who asked a lot of questions, and the other, a book with a poem about each student in my class that year. I bought a book that told me step by step what to do to get them published, but I never followed through with it because I didn’t think they were good enough. There are definitely more talented writers out there. And I think I’m having the same problem with my photography. Anyone can take the pictures I take, but I really do love taking them. And working with those kids was great. I love working with people - especially kids. And I definitely love working with Rachel. I think my problem is that I think too much. I need to just go ahead and take the pictures and see how everything turns out.

So, anyone need some pictures taken?

I’m done with the list, I think. Maybe I won’t suck at blogging forever. However, I am almost officially on summer vacation, so don’t count on seeing me too much. I’ve got people to hang out with, places to visit, and pictures to take. I’ll leave you with my favorite picture from my first job with Rachel.

They look happy to be brother and sister, don’t they?

So, I haven’t blogged about anything in a while, and it’s really been bothering me. Everyday when I’m checking my email for the 500th time I think, “I could be blogging,” but then I don’t. It’s not that things aren’t happening - they are. I’ve made some pretty cool crafts (crafts I’m thinking of selling!), I put up the coolest curtain system in the world in my living room, and I’m having a garage sale this weekend that might actually get some of the furniture out of the basement and garage. So I’m busy…not too busy to blog, but busy nonetheless.

The only reason my state of no-blogging is a problem is that I started this blog because I am forgetful. I remember what’s happening in my life a little better when I write it down. Since I have started this blog, I feel like I have a much better handle on what’s happening in my life, and that makes me really happy. Now, I just need to remember to actually WRITE once in a while.

However, as it turns out, I don’t actually need to remember anything on my own because I have the oh-so-gracious Yuri, who left me this gentle, loving comment today:

“You are a hopeless, selfish bitch. That’s your freakin’ mother, for Godssake! Why don’t you try helping her, instead of whining to your internet buddies about how bad you had it growing up. Do you have any idea what it would be like to try to raise 4 children without any money? People have bad luck; some people can’t get ahead. I’ve certainly been there. What kind of daughter are you? You should try to help your mother; help her get on her feet. Maybe she had a serious mental illness, and went too long without proper treatment. You just make me sick. People like you suck. Just suck. What kind of world would this be if everyone were like you.”

I mean, this totally reminded me that I have a blog! This comment was in response to my “Rags to Riches” post about how my life has been infinitely bettered by the close relationships I have. I mentioned my mom a few times before, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of making it clear that she is mentally unstable. I have known this for a long time, because BELIEVE IT OR NOT, it wasn’t that hard to figure out! Right now she is serving a 2-year sentence at the Dwight Correctional Center for check forgery and parole violations. She’s always smoked pot, but in the last ten years, she’s also gotten mixed up with lots of other drugs, including crack cocaine. My mom is a walking disaster.

For a long time I didn’t talk to my mom because she got me in trouble with the IRS, but that was really just the culmination of YEARS of manipulation and mistreatment. A lot of people didn’t understand why on Earth I wouldn’t talk to my mom, and I got all kinds of rude comments about it, but I think what it comes right down to is this: No one can know what any one person’s life is truly like unless they are that person. That is something I try to remind myself of everyday. I used to be pretty snarky about people involved in situations I could never see myself involved in. I never understood how those people could be so stupid/mean/unforgiving/heartless/unknowing. But judging people based on the very limited facts I have access to is not something I’m interested in doing anymore. I’m trying to be a better person. It’s a lofty goal, but one I’m trying very hard to reach.

Yuri’s comment hurt me, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised someone would think that way about me. I’m sure a lot of people see me as ungrateful and uncaring, but those people didn’t grow up in my house. With my mom. Those people haven’t tried everything they can think of to help only to be rewarded with a slap in the face. It’s not easy to deal with day in and day out. And I know, I KNOW, millions of kids have had it worse than I did. I am so painfully aware of that fact - I mean, I see those kids everyday.

The really twisted thing is that I am incredibly grateful for the way I grew up. I was just talking to my boyfriend Mike about that yesterday, as a matter of fact. We were going somewhere in the car, and he was talking about being poor as a kid, and I said, “You know, I’m really glad I was poor as a kid, because I think it made me a better person as an adult. It wasn’t fun at the time, but it shaped me into who I am today, and I’m pretty happy with where I am now.”

I don’t hate my mother. I feel sorry that things aren’t different between us, but this is the only way they can be. We all have our limits. I know that when you have a blog that’s out there for anyone to read, you are subject to criticism for anything you say. I do get that. I just wish we could all be a little nicer about what we say to people, and maybe even try to understand each other better too. I think we’d all be a little happier if we did.

I just have to say that I have been in the absolute best mood lately, and since nothing in my life has changed except for the weather, I am going to give it all the credit. You came through for me, Spring! And I love you for it! In fact, you get your very own list!

Things I Love About Spring

1. It’s not dark when I leave work. Lots of daylight left!
2. DA GRILL, YA’LL!
3. I don’t have to wear a coat. Being bundled up in a coat tends to make me feel a little claustrophobic, and I don’t like the way they feel against my skin. Sometimes I worry about my extreme sensitivity to textures of EVERYTHING.
4. Finally feeling motivated to do…well, pretty much anything is nice. I want to paint, clean, run, hike, work, bake, smile - it’s all good!
5. No snow or ice when I’m driving! Yippee!
6. I can wear skirts to work without freezing.
7. The birds are back, and they sound just lovely.
8. My skin doesn’t feel or look like a desert anymore. Now the temptation to reroute my main shower line so that it draws from a huge vat of lotion is more just out of curiosity than necessity.
9. My missing toenails have finally grown back! I can wear sandals this year WITHOUT the masking brilliance of a Hello Kitty bandaid! *WARNING: The links are to pictures. Do not click the links if you are queasy about toenails.*
10. If spring is here, then summer is just around the corner. And for me, that means three months of solid gold vacation time. Recognize.

In short, if you see me running around, laughing maniacally, and throwing petals into the warm, spring air, you’ll know it’s just because I’m really excited that it’s finally here. Not because I’m crazy. Ahem.

Have a beautiful day!

Hey, you know what I like? Not puking!

I will NEVER eat at Godfather’s again. Which is really a shame because I actually like Godfather’s. Goodbye delicious desert pizza! You will be missed!

I have several friends who have been the victims of food poisoning, and I never understood why, after years and years of refusing to eat at whatever establishment so viciously sabatoged their food, they couldn’t just get over it and eat there again.

Um, I get it now. The power of the poisoning, lo, it is humbling.