That picture is of my precious cat laying on my legs. It’s cute, right? It would be, except that this is pretty much the exact position you will find us in about 90% of the time.
If you were to ask people who know me to describe my personality, they’d probably tell you that I’m funny, creative, and a natural leader. People who really know me will tell you that I am an emotional, short-tempered perfectionist. People who are closest to me know that I struggle daily with depression and sometimes have a really hard time pulling myself out of it.
I’ve always said I’m better before you really get to know me.
I knew working from home would be hard for me. Teaching allowed me to work with some of the best people I have ever known, and I miss being with my friends every day. It’s hard to keep those connections alive when you’re by yourself all of the time. However, teaching was also killing my soul, so I know it was the right time for me to leave.
When my son started school and I was officially on my own all day, I told myself that the most important thing was to get on a schedule. Structure is good! Having a predictable routine is something that helps me get out bed in the morning. Here’s what my plan looked like:
- Wake up and get ready for the day (basically, put on clothes, throw my hair in a ponytail, and brush my teeth).
- Get Max up and ready for school. Drop him off.
- Work at Starbucks or McDonald’s for about an hour or so.
- Go straight to the gym and work out.
- Head home and take a shower.
- Work for another hour or so.
- Eat a nutritious lunch.
- Work until it’s time to get Max.
- Get to school on time, with nice hair and makeup and real pants like all the other moms. Pat yourself on the back for your awesome day.
Doesn’t that sound like a great schedule? I had it ALL FIGURED OUT. Well, here’s what actually happened.
- Stay up until at least 2 am so that you’re exhausted when you have to wake up at 6:15.
- When Max comes in to wake you up, tell him to go watch cartoons until you ACTUALLY wake up at approximately 8:25. Never mind that you’re supposed to get dressed, make him a lunch and be out the door by 8:30. Throw on whatever clothes you find on the floor.
- Run late dropping Max off at least three times a week, causing him to develop anxiety over being on time.
- Go to Steak ‘n Shake. Order a sausage biscuit and a giant Coke Zero. HOW THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO STAY AWAKE?!
- Maybe walk around Walmart or Hobby Lobby for a bit. Dream about all the crap you would buy if you were making money.
- Go home and begin work. Realize that your work is meaningless and none of your clients are paying you anyway. Play Sudoku on your phone for about an hour.
- Looking at tiny numbers on your phone is exhausting. Lay on the couch and sleep for a couple of hours.
- Wake up and maybe eat a granola bar or some chocolate frosted Hostess donuts and another Coke Zero for lunch. Or don’t eat at all because you just woke up and your stomach is still tired.
- Read all of the blogs of people you follow who actually have this shit figured out. Realize that you don’t know anything about anything.
- Cry for a while about how you’re a worthless pile of garbage who contributes nothing to your family or the world.
- Snapchat your sister a funny picture of yourself in an attempt to cheer up.
- Open up your computer to work, but realize that you only have a half hour before you have to get Max, so you don’t really have time to get started on anything anyway, and you might as well just play Sudoku some more. Comfort yourself by being really awesome at Sudoku.
- Put your gross sweatpants back on (who wears pants AT HOME?) so you can be on time to get the kid. It’s the only thing you’ve accomplished all day.
Granted, some days are much more productive, but I have had too many days like the one mentioned above. I am struggling.
I have taken medication for depression and anxiety for about two years, and I don’t feel like it’s working anymore. I lay on the couch a lot. I don’t get up and play with my family as much as I used to. I see the solutions, but I can’t make myself reach for them. It seems like nothing can motivate me.
This post was supposed to be about getting yourself out of a funk, and all I’ve talked about is how giant and endless mine has been. Not all that inspiring, I know.
BUT, there is a reason I’m telling you all of this, and I promise it isn’t to bring you down with me!
- My schedule may not be working exactly how I planned it, but I did join a gym, and I have been three times…in two weeks. Baby steps, friends. It is helping me stay awake during the day!
- My clients may be stiffing me, which has pretty much zapped any motivation to work, but I am exploring other options and will be approved to sub soon, which will be a nice change of pace.
- My eating habits have been out of whack, but I have cut down to approximately one Coke Zero a day, and am drinking a lot more water.
- My depression has been something I’ve been struggling with mostly on my own because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but by talking about it here, I am taking ownership of it. Now that you all know that this has been hard for me, and that I’m not “fine” or “doing great” or “loving it!” I can actually own this and do something about it.
For me, talking about my issues is always the best way for me to move past them. When I started this post, I was feeling pretty low, but I already feel better, and I haven’t even clicked Publish yet! If you’re still with me on this journey, thank you. 🙂